Last night I had to run to the post office to overnight a coin I bought off ebay to this idiot who tried to scam me and who only allowed refunds if returned within three days. I was not going to let him get away with selling me a coin for hundreds more than it was worth because I am sort of a newbie and didn't realize what I was bidding on. So anyway, I was determined to get it out last night (the coin arrived yesterday afternoon). The only post office open in the evening was about a 45 minute drive away in CT. I was really fuming, and I guess I thought getting it in the mail right away would make me feel better. It did kinda.

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On the way home I decided to pull over and grab something to eat at Ruby Tuesdays.

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I wish I hadn't.

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I was up at the salad bar with my friend and I heard a familiar voice call my name behind me.

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It was my first boyfriend, who I have not seen in almost 10 years. He was the first (of two) live in relationships I have had. We talked for a minute, it was awkward as hell, he reached out to hug me and I guess sensed I didn't want to (which wasn't completely the case) and extended his hand. We shook. It was really weird. We talked for a second, I was uncomfortable. I am not sure why, but I was sort of taken back. So we exchanged useless information about each other for a couple minutes and he said his goodbyes and went back to work. I guess he's been a bartender there a while. My friend and I sat down, waited for our food. I was not hungry anymore, all I could do was reminisce for some reason, and it wasn't a pleasant experience.

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So he's been on my mind ever since. I don't understand why, I am no longer in love with him, that ended years ago when I broke it off. Well in actuality I left him for my second live in relationship, they sort of overlapped (yea I'm a rotten person). In my defense I went from my marriage to this guy within three months and was living with him almost instantly. I spent our entire three years wanting to get out, chasing something, even cheating on him (obviously).

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I wasn't ready to settle down so quickly, and our relationship suffered.

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It's really odd, part of me wanted to give him my number so we could talk, hang out, whatever. I then reminded myself how much he drove me crazy. He had this personality I can only liken to a used car salesman. We were never really compatable, he molded himself into what he thought I wanted him to be, and naturally it didn't work.

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Why is it even now, years later I get so upset just seeing him? Why was my gut impulse to try and give him my number so that we could catch up? sigh.....

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I've been told that I have issues letting go. Issues with being rejected even if it is a result of my own behavior/actions. Maybe that's it. Maybe in my own selfish way I want him to love me as much as he did back in the day despite what I have done to him.

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It's no wonder I am still alone. I guess it's a self destructive thing.

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Anyway, I hope he is finally happy. He seemed to be.

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There, I got that off my chest. I kinda feel better somehow.