Sunday, January 28, 2007
I feel like I've lost touch...
but anyway...
picked up a Wii on Friday.
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Shit they are hard to find, even now a month after Christmas
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I tried Best Buy, Circuit City, Target, Walmart, FYI ... everywhere
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then I called two Gamespots , the 2nd actually had 2 in stock..
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I was at work, so my friend ran down and snagged it for me
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The kids stayed over this weekend, I think Wii was definitely a highlight
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It's not what I expected, takes a bit of time to get used to, but still...
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I also bought this Saturday night. While Nicholas Cage is one of my favorite actors and gave an incredible performance, I had this feeling of frustration at the end. My older son did also. I won't give it away, but all I can say is...
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Remember how you felt at the end of The Village?
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there are few (if any) similarities but it was still the same type of unhappy/unsettling feeling
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rent it don't buy it TRUST me...
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so something has been bothering me lately, and I guess it has to come out eventually, why not here? I separated from my ex wife 10 years ago almost (well in March) after a 5 year child marriage (we were 21). I moved in with Mom right away. A few months later I met someone and moved in with him. It was a very tough time for me and given the very recent separation, I didn't want to introduce my kids to Matt. They met him casually maybe twice in the three years we lived together. It broke my heart to keep the person I love away from them. But no matter what they come first, it has to be that way, and well they were coping with a lot even at 3 and 5 years old. My older son had been diagnosed with a chemical imbalance and was even more emotionally fragile. Let's not even go into my ex wife's reaction. I mean she freaked out on me one time that I had a completely platonic friend over my mother's house.
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so my first relationship ended after 3 years
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my second began almost immediately
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grass doesn't grow on a rolling stone or something...
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at the same time Victor found me, my ex wife found her own bf.
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I was happy for her, truly I was. Until I met him.
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I knew right off there was something fishy about this guy
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I did some background searches (she had moved him in with my kids can you blame me?)
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He was a recent ex-con. There were a lot of things I found unsettling about this guy
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Let's not even go into the drama that immediately ensued between my ex-wife and I
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It's behind us now, he turned out to be a decent person and I don't want to relive it
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and so given what I had recently discovered I decided.. If she is willing to expose my sons to a man like that, why can't I share the warm, loving guy who has become my partner with my sons. And that is exactly what I did. I brought them to my home. I introduced them to Victor and amazingly they instantly bonded. They were a bit older of course 8 and 6. After that first night they stayed over often, and weekends were always the 4 of us.
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3 years later we split up. Victor& I hadn't spent a night apart in all that time.
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The kids were upset, my family was upset ... but it was over
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that was February 2003
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Its been nearly 4 years now
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The kids are older, they are little men now. I feel a closeness to them stronger than ever.
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unfortunately I have been single now 4 years, I have dated on and off but not so much. Needless to say I have not introduced them to anyone. I wouldn't unless it was someone I was in love with. I haven't found that to date. But if I do ...
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My kids have grown pretty uncomfortable with homosexuality. Part of it maybe is the pressure from classmates and society, part of it perhaps is that I am a very masculine guy who does not feel completely comfortable talking about my attraction to men with them. I mean talking about what attracts you to your children is not an acceptable subject no matter what your sexual preference, so you can imagine how they probably supress the knowledge that their dad lives as an openly gay man.
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There was a close call recently. I was dating someone that I have some pretty strong feelings for. It didn't work out but I was thinking. What would they think? There was a time when they openly accepted my partner. They are well aware that I am gay. Is it possible they will be as accepting this time? I know my family would be fine, but my kids are the two most important to people in my life. Nobody else matters quite as much as they do.
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anyway ... that's what has been on my mind.
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Hope you all had a great week and weekend :)
33 Comments:
Blogger Lemuel said...
I wish you the best as you work out the issue with your sons and telling them about any future lovers. It is not too far removed from my own issues and dealing with how my sons (grown) would handle it. I wish you well.

Blogger steve'swhirlyworld said...
If it's the right guy, all will be a non-issue - they love you, and from what you've written about them, they will be fine. Nobody wants to see a parent date ANYBODY - gay or straight.

Blogger MiKell said...
That old axiom about "out of sight, out of mind" comes into play here. Kids are resilliant, and they know where the love comes from.

Blogger Spider said...
My guess is there is a BIG difference between "homosexuality" and a person my Dad "really likes"... and they know the difference... it was that way with my stepson (he accepts ME, but not so much US), and I sure hope it is that way with my Grandson...

Blogger Jason said...
Lucky you, got a Wii! I decided to wait out all the hoopla and snag one this Spring, when I have more time to enjoy it.
That's really cool how you have your childrens best interests at heart. Sounds like you're a great father and their lucky to have you. I'm sure when the right guy comes along you'll know it and your boys will be accepting of him. Hope you have a great week!

Blogger Ur-spo said...
kids will take it from you if it is OK/not OK about a lot of things, including sexuality. The more at east you can be the less they will be inclined to be uncomfortable with the topic themselves. good luck.

Blogger DanNation said...
Kids start out totally pristine, and the adults in their lives shape who they become...I say to be who you are and they will accept it - in time. Waiting until they are older before you feel comfortable introducing them to a boyfriend will only make it more difficult.

My parents told me I was adopted when I was 3 or 4 - I didn't understand what it meant, but I figured it out as I went along. Had they waited until I was older, I would have been devastated - our being gay is not that much different.

Blogger Phoenixboi said...
Just a thought.. didnt you go through the same thing with your Dad? How did you feel?

Glad to see you blogged something! Was getting worried.

x

There's a point in kids' lives in which they go from the acceptance through naivete and the unacceptance due to rebellion. At a certain stage in life (age sometimes doesn't matter but it's usually around they turn into teens), it won't matter matter who you introduce them to, they'll turn their back anyway. But with a gay situation, the rejection is sometimes more pronounced. It's great that you're thinking about your boys and that they always come first... There comes a time, though, when you'll also have to look at your best interest alongside of theirs. I hope that when you do, they'll be out of that stage.

Big hugs, Jim...

Blogger patti_cake said...
Congrats on the Wii ...

I HATE it when a movie leaves me frustrated like The Village did and I did so want to see the Wicker Man... damnitall...

I think your kids will be okay but you are wise to wait until it is an "important" relationship. I know you keep up with Scotty from The Other Side of Straight and the shiite he is going through right now is just a crying shame.

Blogger Ryan Charisma said...
Well,

1) horray for the wii.

2) YOU'VE taught your children that gay isn't ok by not being able to talk to them about it. No one says that discussing who you are includes saying "I like a man with huge pecs and a tight ass." You're children are mirroring whatever negative signals you're sending them about being gay. They have thier mother saying nasty things about it. Society in general says nasty things about it. And I'm sure some of thier schoolmates say nasty things about it. And you, by being silent have displayed your discomfort with yourself being gay. Treating the subject matter as a taboo topic with children only teaches them that it's a "no no" coversation with you. I know this sounds blunt and possibly hurtful, but I mean this with all due respect "You sound as though you're not OK with your your being gay and now you see it mirrored in your kids." Change your point of view, in order to change your childrens which in turn will change the worlds.

Blogger Chris Tuttle said...
I mean this in the nicest of ways, as I don't think anyone--myself included--has the perfect answers or approach. However, at first read, I'd have to agree with some other comments that your children will often mirror the behavior they see in their parents.

I might also add, that I think you said one or both of your children read this blog. If they were uncomfortable to the point of being un-accepting I doubt they'd read this blog. It actually leads me to suspect that maybe they want to know more but recognize your own un-comfortability with discussing.

Blogger Marko said...
Wow cool you got Wii, awesome. Im not too big on vid games but the Wii looks pretty cool. I'm sure you'll get used to it.

I can understand the issues you have with being gay and having kids. I'm sure it could be difficult. I dont like to make it known with relatives or discuss it either.
I think you are an awesome father from what I have read here and I think they know you are too.

Hope things are well, havent seen ya round lately. Have a great week!

-M

Blogger Steve said...
Cool for you on the Wii! And, I'm going with what ur-spo said. It's kinda like my nephews. All they know is that Uncle Steve sometimes visits with his friend Chris. When they're old enough, they'll figure it out. The way my sister and her husband are raising them, at some point, they'll go, "Oh. That's what that's all about." I wish you the best.

I think that your sons will be accepting of another man, if they like him. And from my own personal experience, I would like to say that should be all it takes.

If they do not like him, they won't accept it.

But as they get older, like in their teens, it will be harder on them.

Blogger madamerouge said...
When you start dating, I think you'll truly know if it's "the one" to introduce to your kids. And, you'll probably know the right point in the relationship to do that.

Blogger john said...
I think that you are an amazing father. Many parents forget that they are raising children, that their actions can mold these children's minds.
You are putting your children first. It should always be that way.

Blogger Jimmi said...
I actually liked the end of The Village. Not good? LOL

Don't feel bad, I didn't even know what a Wii was until a few weeks ago. I'm totally not into video games.

Blogger Atari_Age said...
Hmmm... our kid didn't even "get" that we were "partners" or whatever. He still doesn't (at 10 years old) understand this, I think, and certainly doesn't get why we are separated now. This is mainly cause my ex never discussed this with him. Still hasn't. He's scared to. So, all he's getting about "gay" is what he learns from his friends.

The point is - while there's no need to parade every guy with which you have a night, when there is finally someone special, what are you going to do - hide him? With all the complications you describe, I understand it could be tough. But, in the long term, it has to be dealt with. Hopefully, you can find a way that makes "adjustment" easy.

Oh, first, though - find that guy!

And re: Wii. Hope you bubblewrapped all your fragile furniture. ;)

Blogger VeryApeAZ said...
The Wii is awesome. It's a blast to play with groups of people. I'm addicted to Zelda. I might call in sick all next week just to finish the game.

Blogger TigerYogi said...
I thought that the kids had been getting better concerning your sexuality. That's too bad, but, hopefully their opinions will change as they get older.

Good luck Hon! :)

Blogger Doug said...
My gut feeling is that because it isn't discussed, everyone involved feels a little less comfortable about it.

It's not like you have to introduce your kids to anyone, but just mentioning you had a date to your kids might help them realize that you're just like any other single guy looking for love. And that's exactly how it is.

As for whether your kids will accept someone, I'd bet that'll be a case-by-case situation and depend on the guy.

I wish I had wise words for you...
But I don't. All I can say is that the unrelenting pressure that's been on your life for such a long time is producing a diamond pure heart in you. Your kids are loved magnificently, and that's the bottom line.

Blogger dirk.mancuso said...
I am not fortunate enough to be a dad, but I understand your hesitation to expose them to anything you feel would upset them.

That said, I think that a lot of the way your kids -- or anyone for that matter -- perceive your sexuality and any potential partners will depend a great deal on how you present it and how you feel about it. If you are comfortable and happy, I think that will go a long way toward feeling the same.

As for WICKER MAN, I saw the original and was suitably unimpressed enough to not see the remake. But I did rent LADY IN THE WATER on your recommendation and enjoyed that one.

Blogger Scotty said...
let me simply say i can totally relate to this. my kids used to be fine but my oldest moved out for a lot of reasons...my being gay in a relationship being one of them.

sorry for all the annon stuff. i am holding my own...barely.

scotty

Blogger daveincleveland said...
you need a big big hug from cleveland dude..i have been so slacking at posting......what a sludge i am......so here is a great big hug from me.......it will get better dude
love ya
dave

Blogger Mikey said...
You are a good dad and raising great kids. They will learn from you. Your boys are at the age when sex and sexuality are taboo and uncomfortable. Hell, sometimes even I am at times. Give them their space and you are a smart man and will know the right time to introduce them to your partner.

Blogger Kalvin said...
I hope that it all works out well. And congratulations on your Wii! Maybe you could do a drag show at home for the kids...it could be fun :P

Blogger Kalvin said...
I hope that it all works out well. And congratulations on your Wii! Maybe you could do a drag show at home for the kids...it could be fun :P

Blogger Joshua said...
I still don't know what a Wii is, and how do you pronounce that, anyway? Is it pronounced like the French, Oui? The last time I played a video game was on The Atari System (2600, I think). I'm digressing. I've never been in your parenting situation, so it's impossible for me to have a magic answer. But I can't help but think that you're worrying over things which aren't happening, yet; if they'd ever happen at all. I do that a lot. It's good to be prepared for awkward things, especially when it comes to kids. Which is why parents write up wills, etc. But I'd hate to see you get stuck on these dilemmas, when their non-existent at this point :)

Blogger anapestic said...
Everyone's situation is different, of course, so it's hard to generalize. In my case, I have shared custody of the kids, and I live with my partner, so it would be difficult for them not to know what's going on. Also, when I was going through the divorce, long before I was partnered, I told my (then) ten-year-old daughter that I'm gay, and it was just no big deal. She's just about to turn eighteen now, and almost all her friends are gay, but other than that, there doesn't seem to have been any long-term effect on either her or her younger sister.

Kids who have been through a divorce probably shouldn't be introduced to someone about whom you're not serious because they get attached and then that person's gone, and it's another loss. But if it's a serious relationship, then there's really no harm in them knowing that you're together. They don't have to know (and shouldn't know) the sexual details, just like the children of a heterosexual couple shouldn't know the sexual details of what goes on between their parents.

It's sad to hear that your children are growing up uncomfortable with homosexuality. If the kids of gay parents turn out not to be accepting, why should we hope for better from anyone else? More expansively, if we can't be comfortable with who we are, why should we expect other people to be?

Blogger matty said...
hey, sweetie. Just be true to yourself and to your children. It will work out and they will respect you more for your honesty.

Of course, that is so easy to write. I've not been in those shoes you're wearing.

Sending you a big hug and much hope. Hang in there!

Blogger Phoenixboi said...
Have you gone missing????

x

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