Monday, July 17, 2006
Interesting evening..

So last night the guy I've been seeing came over and we watched this horrible movie called The River King. It was a new release and completely misleading from the box at the video store. I can't believe we sat through it, but anyway, we did. The film aspired to be something you would see on Lifetime (yuk), and even failed that miserably.

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Moving right along, afterward I was hoping he would leave, I was tired and not looking forward to the "routine" which usually completes the evening. For whatever reason it happened, once again it meant nothing to me and felt empty. Then he made a comment toward the end. I suppose its possible that he meant something completely different, but nonetheless the words hurt. After a quick reaction to let him know just how much I was offended, I let it go, saw him off and decided to have a drink. Yea, I guess I should have dumped that bottle out yesterday (It's gone now of course).
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So in my usual behavior pattern when buzzing I started to think more about the evening and what he said, with somewhat dramatic results. Understand I have not been feeling a connection here, not even since day one, and after a few blow offs (not calling or returning his calls) I still found myself having him over every week or so out of guilt or loneliness, I dunno. So I got all cowardly, and instead of telling him exactly what I was feeling, I used what he said last night to tell him off and that I wasn't interested in seeing him again, whatever we had was over and not to call me again. I feel like a jerk this morning, regretting what I emailed last night (and in turn got 3 responses and two voicemails at 1:30 and 2:15 AM). I haven't read the responses or checked my phone yet, I'm not ready.
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Why is it I couldn't just tell him the truth, and needed to hide behind those (probably unintentionally hurtful) words? I have a history of doing this to avoid being hurtful and well, it only makes things worse. He's no idiot, I'm sure he can read through the lines and figure out what has happened. eh...
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8 Comments:
Blogger Kevin said...
OK, I just said I'd be in the area in August ... no need to do this on MY account. :)


Hope everything works out for you. You need to decide if you want him back or not. And if not, maybe you should do him the favor of telling him the real reasons (as difficult as that may be).

Blogger Polt said...
I dont know the whole situation, but I think was Six said above is good advice. Call him and apologize for the reason for the breakup, but then tell him the actual reason you don't want to see him anymore. Like you just sorta told us here? Maybe you could just read this post to him? :)

SO glad you're back, hon!

HUGS

Blogger Scott E D said...
I was really worried about you.

Blogger PJS said...
Wow, I didn't know you'd started a new blog.

Hmm.

Blogger DanNation said...
Welcome back! I missed you!

Blogger Phoenixboi said...
Is it the fact that he is getting too close and you are trying to sabotage that before he does and you realise that you are worthy of having someone love you???

xoxo
SEND SOME HEAT!! ITS COLD!

Blogger madamerouge said...
What Phx-boi writes sounds like it could be true. But if you truly feel "nothing" with this person... you can't help what you feel. (It's obviously a different story if this feeling of emptiness / lack of connection is present during all of your liaisons...)

I, too, got together on Sunday night with someone out of sheer habit/loneliness/routine. Ugh. It sucks, doesn't it?

Blogger madamerouge said...
during all of your liaisons... with any guy, and not just this one in particular

-is what I meant to write

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