So last night the guy I've been seeing came over and we watched this horrible movie called The River King
. It was a new release and completely misleading from the box at the video store. I can't believe we sat through it, but anyway, we did. The film aspired to be something you would see on Lifetime (yuk), and even failed that miserably.
Moving right along, afterward I was hoping he would leave, I was tired and not looking forward to the "routine" which usually completes the evening. For whatever reason it happened, once again it meant nothing to me and felt empty. Then he made a comment toward the end. I suppose its possible that he meant something completely different, but nonetheless the words hurt. After a quick reaction to let him know just how much I was offended, I let it go, saw him off and decided to have a drink. Yea, I guess I should have dumped that bottle out yesterday (It's gone now of course).
So in my usual behavior pattern when buzzing I started to think more about the evening and what he said, with somewhat dramatic results. Understand I have not been feeling a connection here, not even since day one, and after a few blow offs (not calling or returning his calls) I still found myself having him over every week or so out of guilt or loneliness, I dunno. So I got all cowardly, and instead of telling him exactly what I was feeling, I used what he said last night to tell him off and that I wasn't interested in seeing him again, whatever we had was over and not to call me again. I feel like a jerk this morning, regretting what I emailed last night (and in turn got 3 responses and two voicemails at 1:30 and 2:15 AM). I haven't read the responses or checked my phone yet, I'm not ready.
Why is it I couldn't just tell him the truth, and needed to hide behind those (probably unintentionally hurtful) words? I have a history of doing this to avoid being hurtful and well, it only makes things worse. He's no idiot, I'm sure he can read through the lines and figure out what has happened. eh...