Friday, May 26, 2006
on becoming
I was born of a girl who was barely a woman..
I was reborn to a woman who was barely a wife..
I married a woman who was barely a partner..
It is a small wonder I've barely a life..
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Sometimes you start thinking about how things come to pass, and your mind races backward into the depths of your memory to possibly grasp some event or relationship which may have shaped your destiny. I try to avoid this, because my past has been incredibly eventful, from the moment I was pulled from my birthmother's body to this very morning when I made myself breakfast, there are far too many things to consider and well, I would go mad should I try and make sense of it all. This little silly poem I wrote just now was an attempt at some sort of rationalization, I'm not sure that it exactly makes sense or even follows a consistent path, but for the fleeting seconds it took to type, everything was clear.
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Funny how that can happen, one moment everything makes complete sense and then you start to analyze perhaps too much and it begins to fall apart into pieces, confusing you and challenging the very thoughts which brought you to that particular conclusion. I don't blame anyone for the person I have become, I am a grown man whose life is a result of decisions I freely and coherently made, some without consideration for others, some laden with guilt, and others, well for no apparent motive apart from some sort of instant gratification. I am where I am at this very moment because of these decisions, and not because my natural mother gave me up at birth, or that my adoptive father was gay or even because I married a woman under somewhat false pretenses (even given the fact that I had not yet faced the "demons" which lurked just below the surface and chose to keep them hidden lest I be found to be a deviant pretender, I mean they were only thoughts I could just push downward internally and ignore). All three women did the best they could given the situations to which they were exposed, I am who I am in spite of and not as a result of my relationships with them. Ugh... and this is why we should try not to over analyze things, take responsibility for our actions, and most importantly, look forward and not back.
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15 Comments:
Blogger potusol said...
WOW, someone got introspective since our little chat. I'm all about personal responsibility and looking forward. As for the analyzing I'll do what I can. Don't discount the influence others have had on your life and your decisions. Ultimately YOU are the one who has made you the person you are and (in my opinion anyway) you turned out just fine.

: )

Blogger NeiLDC said...
Its Barely breathing(duncan Shiek).You know what my poin of view is that in life,or our life are now written in a so called BOOK.. we are now coming across to its pages and we couldnt to anything about it.. its up to us to follow the steps that we are walking into.It is not what the past that would make us a nightmare..Lets thank the past and take it as a good thing because without it we dont have here at present..

Blogger Phoenixboi said...
You are who you are because of who you have been, you will be who you will be because of who you are now.

All beautiful. (even though you dont believe it)

xo
Love you bello

Blogger dave in cleveland said...
hey jim thanks for the great post, its been a year since my wife discovered about me, and have spent the last year beating myself up on how this could happen, why am i like this, what could i have done different, was it the fact that my father and i were not close, and i was very close to my mother, i hated school, hated sports, i had a very very happy childhood, but outside life even in junior high school and high school had no friends, and didn't really fit in anywheres, its just been of late that i finally am starting to accept and embrace who i really am, and though will leave some people behind am looking forward to running with this and finally finally after years of wondering why, become who i was destined to be......sorry about the long post, jim your posts are as always, awesome thanks.....have a great day....:)

Blogger Kevin said...
Yes, I often wonder who I would have become after I sit there thinking WHAT IF or IF ONLY.

I wonder if I'd be close to the person I am today.

And then I wonder if that'd be a bad thing.

Anonymous Anonymous said...
I need you to drop off the boys at 430pm on Saturday I have a cookout at my sisters at 5pm on Saturday.

Blogger Hanuman1960 said...
Obviously, a certain someone is still reading your blog...

We all make mistakes. All we can do is pick ourselves up and start again.

Blogger The_Gay_Dude said...
LOL.....just the other day I mentioned to someone that when I was younger....all's I thought about was the future.....that house, that car, that career, etc.....and now that I'm older I reflect upon the past and the what if's......Maybe it's the age we're at?

Anonymous Wes said...
Heya Jim!

I'm a firm believer that everything happens for a reason. We're meant to make the choices/decisions that we do in life, regardless if it's right or wrong. Call it fate, call it God's will, call it whatever, but life plays out the way it's supposed to happen. I try to live life with no regrets, simply because it does me no good thinking coulda/shoulda/woulda. You live and learn and you become stronger from all that. Hmm I'm jealous of grey state blogger person, I'd like to get a shout out sometime in your blog. Just kidding ;-)

Blogger madamerouge said...
Never have I been a blue calm sea
I have always been a storm
- S.Nicks

Blogger Miladysa said...
Lovely post. Forever onwards :)

"Anonymous", hmmmmmmm...
As Popeye said, in an immortal quote, "I yam what I yam, and that's all that I yam".
And I for one, am glad of it.

Blogger Kalvin said...
I think it's fascinating how one's life can seem entirely different depending on the mood you are in when you look back and where the focus is. It's almost like they are different threads in a tapestry (I know this comes from somewhere and isn't my own). But I think there are so many different thematics that play throughout our lives, and I think they quite often don't make sense all together. Or maybe they do, and I just can't see it.

Blogger Michael said...
You know, I think that everything that happens in our life has some meaning behind it. If we could go back and "fix" things, we wouldn't be who we are now.

Well I wouldn't want you to be anyone else but you because you're perfect the way you are. You're pretty damn amazing in my eyes.:)

HUGS!

Blogger Brad said...
Wow what a fantastic post. You know what they say...

If "ifs" were skiffs, we could all go fishing.

Life is one big TRIP. It constantly astounds me. The only thing that seems a bit unfair to me is how you really don't have a clue in life until you hit about 30 and then you are alread closing in on mid life. Personally I think there should be a good 40 years there where a person is in the total prime of their life... say from like 30 to 70 and old age doesn't begin until you hit like 90 and the average life span would be around a 110+. But alas, it is what it is and we just gotta make the most of it. That is why I have always tried to live INTENSELY. It is all way to short.

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