Saturday, May 27, 2006
What a day..

You never see it coming when History repeats itself, despite the obvious fact that given certain identical circumstances will nearly always result in (at the very least) similar situations or results. So I decided to share an experience and then illustrate my point.
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My father left my mother when I was 3 (yea ok not this old story again, bear with me) and came out almost immediately as a Gay Man. It wasn't until several years later that I learned the particular circumstances (naturally) of their split, and when I did (being 1970something) it really didn't affect me so much as I definitely had no concept as to what "being Gay" was. I mean, I was 9 years old.
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I even remember telling all some of my friends, as if it were something interesting to claim, setting me apart from them because I had a Gay dad. I can only imagine what their parents thought when these kids returned home, sharing my revelation. It didn't matter, he was my Dad, whatever it meant, I still loved him (obviously) and despite the fact that he was never on time, missed our weekly visits more than not, and reluctantly dished out $25. a week in child support he could do no wrong in my book. Then there was the distance factor, he always seemed distracted, sad, "immature", and never serious. I had major issues with him which I did not face until well after his death. SO.. moving right along.
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When I hit about 13 I began to mature (naturally) and understand things much more clearly. It also ushered in the period where Dad had moved back from Boston and lived locally. The Gay "factor" with my father was even more pronounced at this point, he often would bring men with us on our Saturday afternoons. He became somewhat of a sad and broken man, never having much money and often appearing down and unhappy. I do believe he truly was in a very dark place, sort of broken because of the recent business failures he had suffered, and relying heavily upon his parents for supplemental support.
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Of course at that time my mother and step-father were not so pleased with the way in which my father was coducting himself around me, often portraying him in a completely negative light. They were a stable married couple, and he was a lost soul, they were my foundation and he was well, the land of fun and imagination. He had no money, lived in a tiny apartment atop on of his father's rental properties and was most importantly GAY. It didn't take me long to adopt many of their opinions on my Dad's "character".
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I went to my Aunt (his sister) at age 14 and told her that I was ashamed that my father was Gay, and that I didn't want to see him anymore. I remember treating him completely differently, thinking in my mind I had no reason to respect him anymore and accordingly made a few pretty hurtful comments during our visits. I don't think he realized the motivation behind these comments, as I had yet to confront him with the fact that I knew he was Gay, and he took them in stride. All I knew was that while this man was my father, I thought less of him. Why did I think less of him? Part of it was my age, and another part was that it pleased my mother in some way, or at least that was my perception at the time. He died shortly after my 15th birthday as a result of a cocaine overdose, I never had the chance to completely iron out these issues in my head, and part of them have lingered with me throught the years. I miss him even now, despite everything, and today, for an instant the whole thing came back in vivid color. History repeated itself.
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Today my older son told me that he no longer respected me, that I was irresponsible, needed to grow up and that I am no longer his father. He had been planning this for some time I suppose, ever since a small disagreement last week over something as trivial as musical tastes. I know that he has also been consulting with his mother and well, her opinion of my "character" leaves a lot to be desired. He also said (although not to my face) that he did not want to visit on weekends anymore (what a flashback that is!). He got right up in my face, blasted me for blogging (he has seen/read my posts) told me that I have a crappy job, a deviant Gay lifestyle (this is news to me as I have not been on but 1 date in the past three years), and that I need to grow up and stop acting like a teenager (this was part of the musical tastes thing from our dissagreement, evidently you have to be a teenager to listen to Bush, Nirvana, Weezer, System of a Down and Tori Amos, who oddly all had/have lead singers OLDER than I am).
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The most important thing here is I do not see how this has any relevance to the fact that I love my son with all my heart, have never intentionally caused him emotional distress, been consistent in my visitation since the day I moved out and have always contributed to his welfare via child support.
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I suppose back in the day my Dad might have asked the same questions, and well maybe if we had a chance to sit down and talk it out I might have a better perspective handling my son's attitude now. Then I come home to this comment from my son, posted this afternoon, on a post from a few days ago, which thanks to Stat Counter ISP tracking I have identified as coming from his own personal PC:
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Dear pathetic fagget your blog sucks! Why don't you do anything better with your life than listen to kid's music and shave your head? For godsake grow some hair, get a descent job, and a fuckin life. (Asshole)

Sat May 27, 03:35:06 PM EDT
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I love you, and if you are reading this, know that I always will no matter what you think of me. It just doesn't matter, call me whatever name you like, I'll still be here for that day/time when and if you decide to forgive whatever it is you think I have done to you.
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