Friday, November 03, 2006
a mother's love....

I was having this discussion with a friend yesterday and was reminded of a post I put up about a year ago (subsequently lost when I deleted the blog). It is a rather controversial topic, and there are many who will completely disagree and cling to what we in the Gay community are supposed to believe, that we were born as homosexuals, no room for discussion. If you question this "fact" your words can be viewed as blasphemous among your fellow homosexual brethren.
Where am I going with this? Ok..
*stretches neck over chopping block*
Is there a direct relationship between our early environment
and the sexual "orientation" which we grow to accept and embrace later on in life?
Don't shoot me, but I believe there is.
I looked at the background of every gay man I know or have known. All of them were raised either primarily or completely by their mothers. Some of the mothers were domineering and overpowering, some were barely there (but in those cases the father was completely absent) What I mean to say is that the relationships with their fathers was always (if it existed) far less significant. More often than not (as in my case) the mother was a force to be reckoned with. She was a very important and visible influence in (at least) those early years when our little heads are trying to make sense of the world and forming so much of the personality and character we will carry through life. How this (my theory) works is still a mystery. I can't help but feel there is a direct connection somehow. I believe we are born basically neutral (homosexuality exists naturally & unchecked in all creatures of the forest) and although society will usually guide us along a straight "route", certain variables can and do alter who we become.
There has been much research into finding a traceable genetic factor present in homosexuals. I personally get irritated every time I read about such testing. I don't appreciate the point of these things. If I can (this is not from personal experience of course) walk into a straight bar, sit next to a "straight" guy, get him drunk, bring him home and have sex with him, then trying to find a chemical factor in my body which sets me apart from this man is just pointless. It happens all of the time. As a matter of fact I had a friend that has perfected the routine mentioned above. His success rate is astounding. Of course to be fair, men have been known to have sex with animals, toys, fruits and vegetables, and well just about anything that serves to create a little friction or heat. But I digress.
What/who we find attractive can and is absolutely (in varying degrees) shaped by our early enviornment. For example I had an ex (also raised by his mother) that was sexually abused over a long period of time as a child by a relative. He rarely talked about it, yet toward the end of our relationship I discovered things hidden on our PC that indicated well, I am not going to go into details , but let's just say the abuse had additional impact on who he was sexually. You hear of this sort of thing often with an abused person.
What do you think?
I realize that the senseless rambling above takes a serious stab at what we are conditioned (by our own community) to accept as fact, that we emerged from our mother's womb ready to embrace the rainbow. But seriously, think about it for a second. I'd love to hear your thoughts, experiences, attacks, whatever :)
ok and now for something lighter, check out (if you haven't already) These two adorable "brothers". :) They (Barats & Bereta) have their own Youtube channel here where they put up some pretty funny stuff.


Have a great weekend :)


S3 156

Blogger Doug said...
My parents separated when I was 14 and my brother was 11. We were raised primarily by my mother after that point, but my brother was under her sole influence longer than I was. He's straight and I'm gay. Given my sample size is 2, this doesn't prove anything, I'm just sayin' he was more "mother-raised" than I.

People who declare undeniably one way or the other are making their argument based on faith and belief, not evidence. If there is undeniable evidence that I haven't seen, then I'd love to see it. The people who do studies on this are usually biased, so any "evidence" seems suspect.

The bottom line is I am who I am. I feel an innate attraction to men. I don't feel much attraction to women. I'd say I'm about a 5.75 on the Kinsey Scale. I didn't choose to be this way, it is just a part of who I am. The choice I have made is to not repress who I am. I feel to repress one's true self is destructive.

The goal of the search for the "why" of sexuality is usually to prove a point. The scientific and pro-gay agenda is to prove that people cannot change who they are, it isn't a "sin" to be gay, and that gay people aren't "sick." The religious agenda is to prove that homosexuality is a sin and an illness and therefore gays should be "treated."

For some reason, it isn't okay to just "be ourselves."

Blogger Doug said...
Oh, and that video is hilarious!

Blogger Spider said...
I think the strong mother influence may foster the homosexual nature of the child - does not cause it, but allows it to flourish...

My $0.02 for what it is worth...

Blogger Polt said...
My parents are still together. My mother is not a domineering person, but she was the dominate personality in the couple, and in my raising.

My father was raised by his mother and grandmother, with no father is sight. Beacuse of this, I think, he didn't know how to be a father, and thusly, let mom do most of the child rearing.

Nonetheless, to my knowledge, my father is NOT gay, and yet he was raised by two women, his grandmother being a very dominate and domineering woman, or so I'm told.

I don't think i agree with your theory. If it were true, wouldn't EVERY man raised by a single mother turn out gay?

Just because every gay man you know was raised by a strong woman, doesn't mean that's WHY they're all gay. I'm certain there are gay men out there who were NOT raised by a strong or dominant woman. Some I'm sure were raised by single fathers, and yet, they turned out to be gay too.

I don't think there's a corolation between the two. But that two is just my opinion.


Blogger chris-says said...
Not to be contrary (haha!), but I was raised primarily by my grandfather as a youngster. And, boy, I sure do like cock.

Blogger Ur-spo said...
when all said and done, there is no evidence a certain type of upbringing 'causes' homosexuality.
Bottom line is sexuality is so complex that its origins are still not known.

Blogger The Persian said...
doug: While of course not every son raised by a "dominant" mother will (exhibit anyway)homosexual tendencies, I can't find an example in perhaps 15 of the immediate people that come to mind who do not have one of the variations I mention in this post. It's just too overwhelming to ignore.

I never meant to suggest we had a choice, and to hell with anyone who would make such a claim, but I don't feel we are gay because of some genetic pre-disposition.

I realize the initial gut reaction to this post would be to take the opposing side. If my points are valid and were ever proven there would be serious consequences for sure. They don't sit so well with me as it is, but I can't ignore the repeating coincidences.

spider: Thank you for your $.02 worth, and yes I agree that a strong mother would foster the homosexual nature of the child. There is also the possibility that it is the reason so many gay men are drawn to their mothers (as children) and not their fathers, which sort of reverses my theory entirely.

polt: Not necessarily domineering, more aptly the stronger intimate presence. I don't mean to suggest every boy raised by a female figure turns out to be gay, but a very large percentage actually do. There is also the supression factor in your father's generation. I was married, had two sons, seperated and had my first experience at age 27. I never came to terms with who I was fully until that point.

I am sure there are gay men out there raised by fathers/grandfathers etc, as with anything in life, there are variations and also the supression factor would be quite high in a situation like that.

Thanks for your opinion Polty, it was much appreciated.


chris: Not to be contrary? lol I would expect nothing else from you (and I mean that in the most endearing way). I ask you this, your mother/grandmother were not in your youngest years (like birth-5) the primary caregiver? This is the age range in which so much of who we later become is shaped.

ur-spo: There is no evidence perhaps, however the relatively consistent recurrence of the scenario I spoke of cannot be ignored (in my opinion). I wonder what sort of "evidence" would suffice to prove my point? I can't imagine to be honest anything concrete surfacing. You are certainly correct, sexuality and it's origins are very complex, often immeasurably so. Thank you for commenting, I very much appreciate it. :)

Blogger THeath said...
My parents were married for 50 years, until my dad passed away this year. I grew up in a pretty traditional household. My dad was the head of the house. My mom was something of an equal partner, but not what I'd call domineering. In fact, neither of my parents were particularly emotionally available.

Anyway, I turned out gay, but my brother didn't. (Neither did my sister.)

I don't think we'll ever be able to say that any one thing "causes" homosexuality, simply because sexuality (particularly human sexuality) is too complex a thing to ever have a single "cause." Homosexuality occurs among human as it does in many other species, and for complex reasons related to biology, environment, culture, and probably even evolutionary advantage.

Bottom line, it doesn't matter what "causes" homosexuality because it's not something that needs to be "fixed" anyway. It doesn't matter why anyone is gay. What matters is that we're treated with the same dignity and respect as everyone else, and that we're treated equally by the law. Period.

Blogger Donald said...
Not sure where I stand on this subject, but probably agree with Spider. What I do know, is that my mother passed away just over a week ago (Oct 22) and I am going to miss her very much.

I'm convinced that there are a great many "pansexual" guys out there who are generally satisfied being straight. There are degrees of orientation, as well as kinds of orientation. I'm pretty sure my orientation was settled spectacularly early.
One thought. If it's proved that homosexuality is solely genetic, than gene therapy could eradicate it in the womb, conceivably. I would fight that eventuality with all my might.

Blogger steve'swhirlyworld said...
My parents had a very strong marriage up to my dad's death. He traveled with the Air Force a lot, and, at times, was away for a year at a time. It was clear that my mother ran the home and my father provided for it. I have 3 brothers too - all straight. I'm glad I'm gay, so I guess i don't try to figure out why I am. I've also heard the theory of multiple older brothers can cause younger males to be gay - some sort of antibody building up???

Blogger daveincleveland said...
heres me, youngest child, the baby, the favorite, of, mom, brother disliked me intently while growing up cause i always got my way.....strong strong mother, weak father, she was the ruler, the diseplinarian,she made the decisions about the house, and here i am, kinda makes alot of sense to me.........but anyways still gay and would not try tochange it, its who i am, and have finally realized this and looking forward to this new life of mine........

Blogger Steve said...
There are many interesting comments here. I was raised in a stable, loving home by both parents and came out to my mom when I was 18. I was (and still am) a big mama's boy, but then again, I know many straight, mama's boys. Anyway, we cried, and at first, she really believed it was all her 'fault' because she had heard that a domineering mother and a passive father is all it takes to turn your kid into a big homo. Wrong. I was, and still am, close with my father, but for whatever reason, the bond with my mother was (and still is) very strong. Who I am was not my choice. I knew - long before any kid should know such things - that I was different from most of the other boys at school... I just didn't know what it meant at the time. In my mind, girls were, ewwwwww, yucky. They still are. Anyway, I think this was something that was decided for me - before I was born - and I also think it's entirely possible that my mom's role as a major influence in my life may have given me that little, extra nudge. Bottom line: I like who I am. I am not ashamed of who I am. And, I wouldn't have it any other way.

Blogger Alan said...
I love Barats & Bereta. Hilarious.

As for the other subject, I don't discount it, but I don't think it matters anyway. I'm gay, and that's just the way it is.

Blogger dirk.mancuso said...
My mother is a friggin' force of nature leveling everything in her path.

But I truly think I'm gay because it's who I am, not who raised me or how.

But that's just my opinion.

Blogger madamerouge said...
One of my ex-boyfriends firmly believed your theory. I tend to favour the genetics argument--or at least the "I was born this way" argument.

Those brothers are HOT.

Blogger Katrina said...
Hi there, got here through "W"'s post. Your ideas are very thought provoking and I'd like to give my $0.02.

I'm the youngest of 5 kids, the other 4 are all boys. My father was out of the picture before I turned one and wasn't much in it before then. With all the different theories about environment, having multiple older brothers and just the fact that there's 5 of us, you'd think at least one of us would be gay but none of us are. I've always believed gay people are born that way. It may be nurtured by a single or domineering mother but it was always there to begin with.

Again, just my 2 cents.

Blogger Dave said...
You've got a sound hypothesis, but if you'd like to prove it legitimately, you should follow the principles of the Scientific Method. Unfortunately, dozens of well-respected scholars and researchers have previously attempted to prove this very same hypothesis over the years; none of which has withstood academic criticism and universal acceptance as fact.

Unfortunately, I'm not sure this approach is ever going to produce a study that everyone buys into, especially given how politicized the topic has become. I suspect we'll continue to wonder until someone produces a smoking gun, like a DNA sequence or a gene. But god forbid THAT happens--the next step will be to cure us. Sad times...

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